Why You Feel Unworthy (Even When You’re Doing Everything Right)

Have you ever had this thought? I’m doing so much. So why do I still feel not enough?

Like you’re the one holding everything together. You’re achieving. You’re trying to heal. You’re being the strong one. You are doing what you’re meant to be doing. And yet inside, there is still this quiet feeling of unworthiness.

Now, if this is you, my friend, I want you to take a deep breath and stay with me. Because today I’m going to explain why this happens, and I will do my best to make it sense to understand it in an easy and possible way…in a way that makes sense.

Welcome to Billy Boss Show: The Pathway to Healing, Confidence, and Self-love. This is your space if you’re ready to stand up for yourself, if you’re ready to reconnect with your self-worth, and shine from within.

I’m your host, Billy Boss, and thank you so much for listening to The Billy Boss Show.

Now in this episode, I’m going to focus on 3 things. Number 1, what shame actually is in simple terms because most people, they do misunderstand it. Number 2, how conditioning wires unworthiness into us without us even realising it. And number 3, how to pause the pattern. So the next time you do something, you do it from love and connection, not from proving.

So let me share a little of my story, because I did not learn shame or conditioning or pushing and proving things from reading the books. I learned it through living it. I learned from my own experience.

Now, most of you, you would know that I was born in Serbia, raised in Bosnia, and I arrived in Australia at the age of 17 and a half, and I can tell you that was long, long, long, long, long time ago where I didn’t even think that one day there will be Billy Boss show and I will be talking to you.

So that was a very long time ago. And at the time, I didn’t land in this beautiful country with confidence. I landed here caring, survival. I landed here carrying trauma, carried shame. I also carried a deep belief that I was not enough. And honestly, a deep fear that I might never be enough.

And for a long time, I tried to outwork the pain. Now, mind you, at the time of all of this happening, I really did not understand why I was doing what I was doing. But from now point of view, yes, I’m here able to explain to you.

So for…As I said, for a very long time I tried to artwork the pain. Meaning, I thought if I did more, if I achieved more, if I became better, better person, better sister, better daughter, better whatever… If I healed faster, if I looked like I had it all together, then I would finally feel worthy.

So I pushed. So I tried harder. So I kept going. I became the one who could cope. I became the one who could handle things. I also became the one who didn’t need too much.

But here is what I noticed: No matter what I did, it didn’t land. In other words, I could achieve something. And maybe I did feel good only for a few minutes. And then the feeling would disappear, and the old voice would come back. That…I’m not enough. I’m not yet there. I need to do more.

And what I realised over time was this: The problem wasn’t my effort. The problem was the belief underneath. Because when you believe that you are unworthy, you can turn your whole life into performance, trying to earn the things you should have been given freely.

And what do I mean by given freely? Given love? Love is given freely, given safety, given belonging. So, I hope that this makes sense.

So, let’s talk about shame because this is the centre of it. People often mix up the meaning of guilt and shame, but they’re very different.

So, guilt says I did something wrong. And guilt is about behaviour. And healthy guilt can actually be so useful because when we recognise that we’ve done something wrong, it can guide us to repair. It can guide us to apologise. It can guide us to be better next time.

But here’s the shame. Why shame is different? Shame says there is something wrong with me. Shame is about identity.

So, when you carry shame, you don’t just want to improve. You want to hide. You want to shrink. You want to prove yourself. You want to become the good enough so you can feel safe.

And here’s the simple example: Guilt says, “I snapped at my kids. I didn’t like it. I’m going to apologise and repair.” That’s a guilt. It leads to growth. It leads to that reminder, “Hey, I can do better.” It’s a healthy guilt.

So, it prompts us, okay, we’ve done something. It’s a behaviour, remember? And I can improve. On the other hand, shame says, “I snapped at my kids. I’m such a bad mom.”

So, do you feel the difference? Shame attacks who you are. I’m a bad mom, so shame attacks who you are. Shame says there is something wrong with your shame is attacking our identity.

And that is why shame is so heavy. Because you are not just trying to fix a moment. You are trying to fix yourself.

So how does shame become unworthiness? This is where conditioning comes in, and I want to make it really easy to understand.

So we are conditioned through what we repeatedly experienced, and what we repeatedly observed as kids. So if you repeatedly experience criticism, if you repeatedly experience emotional unpredictability, neglect, or maybe being compared, or being shamed, or feeling like you had to earn affection, your nervous system learned rules.

Not rules that you consciously choose, but rules that your body learned to survive and stay connected. Because when you’re child, connection is safety.

And here’s the key line: as a child you can’t think, the adult is struggling. So in this instance, it can be your caregiver, whether it’s parent, teacher, or whoever is displaying that behaviour. You can’t just say to yourself as a child, well, you know, they are struggling. But you are making the meaning that it must be you, it must be me.

And that’s how shame begins, because we don’t differentiate the adult struggle. We blame ourselves right away.

So you start forming internal rules like if I’m easy, I’m loved. Meaning, if I don’t cause problems, if I don’t have too much need, if I don’t take too much space, I will be accepted.

Or if I’m strong, I’m safe. Meaning if I don’t fall apart, if I don’t show my emotions, if I stay in control, I won’t be hurt.

Or if I don’t need anything, I won’t be rejected. Meaning if I don’t ask for help, if I don’t rely on anyone, if I handle everything myself, I won’t be disappointed.

Or if I perform, I belong. Meaning if I achieve, if I get it right, if I prove I am valuable, then I can relax.

So now I want to pause here and say something very, very important. These rules, they are not your fault. They were intelligent adaptions.

And why do I say intelligent adaptions? Because they helped you. They helped me survive emotionally because we haven’t been given the safety growing up. We haven’t been given that love. We haven’t been given that belonging.

And because we cannot differentiate the struggle of adult, we make the meaning. And these meanings like if I’m easy, I’m loved. If I’m strong, I’m safe. If I don’t need anything, I won’t be rejected. Those meanings, they are our old rules.

They actually brought us where we are here today. They helped us survive emotionally. They helped you stay connected in the way, the only way you knew how.

But here is the little problem or little challenge. When you live by these rules as an adult, you can be doing everything right and still feel unworthy because your worth is no longer something you feel, it becomes something you chase.

So your worth is not something you feel, it’s something you chase. And it never ends because the finish line keeps moving and it feels you can’t ever catch to it.

That’s why you can look like you’ve got it all together on the outside and still feel not enough on the inside.

And if you know a tiny bit more about my journey and my story, you will reflect on so many times how I said I looked as if I had everything together, looked that perfect piece, and yet inside I was falling apart. I felt not enough.

So what do we do with this, and how do we shift it without making it huge, complicated process?

Well, this is where self-love and confidence comes in. But not in a fluffy way. Not in that superficial way. So here’s how I defined it:

Self-love is staying on your own side when you feel triggered. You’re not attacking yourself. You’re not shaming yourself for being imperfect human. You’re not speaking to yourself like you are a problem that needs fixing.

And confidence. It is self-trust. It’s not being perfect. Self-trust is keeping one small promise to yourself. Self-trust is knowing: when I struggle, I can support myself.

So my friend, in this episode, I want to help you move from proving to connection, from shame to love, from earning your place, wherever that can be, to remembering you already have one.

Now, if you would like to watch or listen the whole free masterclass on confidence, go ahead. Link is in show notes and enjoy! This is where I explain the 5 pillars of confidence, and no doubt you will find this very useful.

Now I’m going to give you a tool that you can use straight away. And it’s a very simple, and a very powerful way of interrupting the pattern in real time.

Now you can do this in 30 seconds. You can do this in the kitchen, in the car, at your work, anywhere, even when you are on the toilet. I’m so sorry moms, but yes, I have done this even when I’m sitting on the toilet.

So it’s very simple. But yet, as I said, it’s very effective.

Now, I did call it Earned Worth Pause. You don’t really need to remember this name at all, but what I want you to really take note of is those three steps.

Step one is to notice. Notice what is happening. So when that unworthy feeling hits the pressure, the guilt, the “not enough” voice, say to yourself: “this is the unworthy story”, or “this is shame talking”. Not “I am unworthy.” This is the story.

The language matters because it creates the space. So take time to notice whatever is happening, and say to yourself: this is shame talking. So, remember the story creates the space.

And then, second step is to ask. And this is where you ask yourself the question:

What am I trying to earn right now? Am I trying to earn love? Am I trying to earn approval? Maybe safety. Maybe rest. Maybe you are trying to earn belonging.

So this question exposes the old rule. And remember, the old rule is all about the conditioning, not conscious choices, but it’s about conditioning. So, what am I trying to earn right now?

And step three, choose one loving sentence. Pick one sentence that feels true even if you don’t believe it yet fully.

Maybe you can say to yourself, “I don’t have to earn my place.”

Maybe you can say to yourself, “I am allowed to be human.”

Or maybe you can say to yourself, “I can choose connection over proving.”

Say it slowly. Let your body hear you.

And this is extra step, a fourth step, and this is taking one micro action. So do one tiny action from place of love, not from place of shame.

And that could be as simple as take a sip of water. Soften your shoulders. Relax. Take a two-minute pause before responding. Speak one honest sentence instead of performing.

And I want you to understand why this works. Because every time you pause, you are teaching your nervous system a new message. And that message is I’m safe to be myself. I don’t need to perform to belong. I can be connected to me even when I feel messy inside or when my life feels messy.

And this is self-love. And that is how confidence is built through small moments of self-trust.

And again, if you would like to have that free masterclass on confidence, link is in the show notes, and no doubt this will support you on this journey.

So let’s bring this home. I know we said quite a few things, but if you’ve been doing everything right and still feeling unworthy, I want you to remember this:

Unworthiness is not your truth. It’s conditioning. It’s an old rule. Your nervous system learn to survive. And now you are allowed to learn a new way.

And your takeaway for this week is one simple prompt. I want you to write it down:

What did I learn I had to do to be loved?

And just notice what comes up. And remember, self-love rule? No judgment, just awareness.

So, my friend, I hope that you find this episode supporting you on the journey of self trust and confidence. On the journey recognising the difference between shame and guilt. On the journey recognising how conditioning works and where that unworthiness is coming from and why in the first place you created these rules, but they’re not serving you any longer, and you can repattern them.

And if you want a structured pathway to release shame, rebuild self-worth, and rise into the version of you who doesn’t need to prove anything to be loved, please join our priority list for upcoming Release and Rise Program. This link is also in the show notes, and let me be your guide on this journey. Let us do it together.

And remember, this episode isn’t just for you and me. It’s meant to be shared. Now, if something in today’s conversation inspired you, don’t keep it for yourself. Share it with a friend. Share it with your loved one or someone who needs to hear this message right now today.

Let’s spread the love together, because you never know whose life might be changed with just one share.

So, thank you for your support, and your support means everything. And I am beyond grateful to be on this journey with you. Without you, I wouldn’t be here.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for your reviews and sharing. It truly means the world to me.

Thank you for choosing you. That is the most important thing. And if no one told you today, let me have that privilege of telling you.

You are enough and you are deserving big love from me.

Until next Tuesday.