Parenting Triggers & Nervous System Regulation: Calm Parenting and the Repair That Changes Everything

Hello, hello, and welcome back to The Billy Boss Show: your pathway to healing, self-worth, and real confidence.

I'm your host, Billy Boss, and I'm so grateful that you are here with me today. This is the space where we tell the truth, where we do the inner work and rise. Not by being perfect, but by being real...by being honest.

So, take a deep breath, settle in, and let's get into today's episode.

Now, before we dive in, I want to give you something practical that you can use straight away, which is so aligned with today's episode, we've created a free downloadable one pager called the Calm Parent Reset: Feet, Breath, Sentence.

It's a very simple in the moment reset for when you feel yourself getting tired, a bit triggered, so you are not trying to remember tools when you are already overwhelmed.

So no doubt you'll find this very handy. You can download it right away via the link in the show notes, you can screenshot it, do whatever you want, print it out, put it on your fridge, put it on your phone, put it in your handbag for those real-life moments.

And believe me, I use this Calm Parent Reset millions of times, and no doubt you might find very useful too.

Now, have you ever had one of those moments as a mom where you hear your own voice and you barely recognise it?

Think about it. You're overstimulated. You've asked five times for something. You've got a million things on your mind. Your child does one more thing and you snap. You raise your voice. You react.

Welcome to my world.

And what happens then? The moment passes and the guilt arrives. That sinking feeling in your chest. The shame. The question. What's wrong with me? Look what such a bad mom I am. Then I swore to myself that I will never be like this.

If this is you, my friend, I want you to take a deep, deep breath with me. Before we go any further, let's do it. Yes.

And I also want to tell you: Welcome to my world, all of you beautiful mums. I've done this millions of times.

And today's episode is not about judging you. It's about understanding what's happening inside you and learning a way through it.

This is season three of Billy Boss show, and we are diving into parenting triggers. How to stay grounded when you feel activated or triggered. And the one thing that breaks generational patterns faster than perfection ever will.

We call it Repair, and I would like to start with sharing something personally.

There were times in my own life where I felt like I was carrying so much inside me. All pain, old fears, old hypervigilance, being on edge. And then I was trying to be a calm, grounded parent on top of it.

And I want to say this carefully. I want to say this with so much love, humility, and compassion, because it's really important. I loved deeply. I still do. Love was never the issue, but the issue was my nervous system.

The issue was that my nervous system learned survival long before it learned safety.

So, when you live through trauma, when you live through abandonment, when you live through abuse, anxiety, toxic relationships, guess what? Your body can stay on alert for years, sometimes decades. And I was a perfect example of that.

So, when your child is crying, when your child is shouting, when your child is repeating themselves over and over and over again, that drives you crazy. When they do make a mess, when they needing us continuously and constantly, it can activate something old, then the present moment and suddenly you're not just dealing with the child, not listening or repeating things.

Suddenly you're dealing with internal alarm system going off, and then you do the thing you promised yourself. You wouldn't do it, and you feel like you've failed.

Can you relate to this?

Now, if you are sitting in this guilt right now, I need you to hear me loud and clear. You are not a bad mom or mom that it's not caring about her kids. Not at all. You are a mom with a nervous system that needs support.

And the beautiful news is, it's never too late to learn a new way and how we as moms can support our nervous system.

So, let's talk about what a trigger really is.

Now, a parenting trigger is not just annoyance. It's not just us moms being annoyed with our kids. A trigger is when something in the present moment touches an old wound in the body.

It's when your child's behavior activates your fear of losing control, your fear of being disappointed, your fear of being disrespected, your fear of being ignored, your fear of not being good enough, your fear of being overwhelmed or alone.

And your nervous system reacts so quickly, often before you even have the words for it.

And that's why you can know all the parenting advice in the world and still react, not respond. Because in the moment you are not operating from the logic, you're operating from protection.

And in parenting, these protective responses often show up as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

So, when we respond with fight, we yell, we snap, we use harsh tone, we become controlling.

In flight, we walk away. We avoid. You might even say to yourself: “I can't deal with this,” and you can again walk away.

In freeze, we shut down. We feel being numb. Feeling stuck, feeling blank.

And in fawn. What do we do? We overgive, we overfix. We keep the peace. We start avoiding boundaries.

And none of these make you a bad mom. They usually mean your system is overstimulated, and it's trying to get you back to a sense of safety.

Now, maybe you are thinking, as a mom, what do you do the most? And you can sort of reflect in here and think, okay, which one am I using the most?

Am I yelling, snapping? Am I walking away? Am I just saying I can't deal with this anymore? Am I shutting down? Am I over giving?

Maybe it's for you to be very clear where you are right now and want to give you one calming technique that actually works in real life household, not in a household with soft music in the background and no time pressure.

This is a technique that works in real life scenarios, and this is for the moment when you feel heat rising. I call it feed, breath and sentence.

I didn't just use this technique only for my parenting. I also chose for myself when I really felt a little bit anxious or something out of alignment.

So, remember Feet, Breath, Sentence. I think this actually gives you away what this is.

So, step one is to concentrate and focus on your feet. Put both feet on the ground. And of course you'll be saying like...I believe, but I'm standing. Yes, concentrate. Be intentional about you and your feet.

Even if you're standing at the sink in the hallway beside the bed, both feet down, have that attention on your feet so you become aware of the situation and where you are.

Second step is the breath. Take one slow breath in and breathe out longer than you breathe in. Longer exhale tells your body we are not in danger.

And step three is the sentence. And say this quietly to yourself. Say to yourself, “this is just a trigger. I am safe, my child is safe. I love my child. I can slow down.”

That's it. Feet. Breath. Sentence. Not a ten steps. Not a lecture, just a reset.

Because most of the time, what changes the entire outcome is not you becoming a different person. It's you finding two seconds of space, the two seconds between trigger and reaction.

So, I hope this little technique that I have been using for me, on me, for parenting, for anything where I actually felt triggered, it really works.

So please let me know even how you go with this. And if you're using this, or if you have any better ideas, I would love to learn from you.

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You can sign up at com or simply click the link in the show notes wherever you're listening to this episode. Go on, give yourself that little burst of love each week because you deserve it.

So, let's talk about what happens after you've reacted, because many beautiful moms think the goal is never to yell. But that expectation creates more shame.

And here's the truth the goal isn't perfect regulation. The goal is in repair.

So let me say that again. The goal isn't perfect regulation. The goal is repair.

And repair is how you break that generational patterns.

And when I say generational patterns, we learn what we live. So maybe if we saw our parents yelling and screaming and doing some certain things and shutting down and walking away, no doubt, when we become parents, we might repeat these things so they are generation parents and repair is how you break generational patterns.

So, repair teaches your child that feelings are safe. Mistakes can be owned. That love doesn't disappear when things get hard. That conflicts doesn't equal abandonment. Connection can be rebuilt.

And repair also teaches you as a parent, as a mom: “I can be human and still be a good mom, a good parent.”

No doubt some dads will actually listen to this episode and have absolutely dads. The same structure, the same techniques goes for you as well.

Now here's the two scripts that you can use and keep them very simple. Keep them very real.

So, the script one can actually sound like this: “Hey my love. I got overwhelmed and I raised my voice. That wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry. I'm learning to.”

Very simple. Acknowledge your child. “Hey, my beautiful boy. Hey, my beautiful girl. I got overwhelmed a little bit. I raised my voice. And it's not your fault. I'm so sorry. And I'm learning to.” Very, very simple.

The second example can be I had big feelings and I didn't handle them how I wanted to. Next time I'm going to take a breath and try it again.

You don't need to over explain. You don't need to punish yourself. You just need to come back. Come back to yourself.

And honestly, the moment of repair often creates deeper safety than pretending you're always fine. Fine does not work.

I try this being fine, mom, for some time. And let me remind you, kids are very smart. They feel the energy they will pick up on our vibe. They will know that we are not fine.

So, I found the way to really express myself to my beautiful daughter: to apologise to her, to tell her what I've done, to reassure her of safety, to reassure her that it is okay and then move on.

So, this is where the boundaries come in, because a lot of parenting triggers come from moms and dads having no space.

Now, if you're running on empty, no doubt you will know that everything becomes harder and boundaries aren't selfish. They are stabilising.

And here are a few calm, clear boundary lines:

“I can help you in five minutes. I'm going to finish this. Then I'm coming to you.”

“We'll talk when we are calm.”

“Mom needs one minute. I'll be right back.”

“I won't talk while we are yelling. Let's talk when we are calm.”

Now, if you are feeling guilty, even listening to this, or even if you're reading this because we also provide it for you to be able to read, not just to listen to this.

That's not because boundaries are wrong. It usually means you were taught to earn love by giving everything.

And this is how the cycle starts. Changing one small boundary at a time.

Now, if you grew up without safety, you're learning safety while you're raising someone else. And this is such a big assignment, and I can just recall my time bringing and raising my daughter up.

I had to learn safety by bringing her up, because I never had a safety within myself in the space where I grew up.

So please stop using shame as your parenting strategy. Shame doesn't create calm. Support creates calm. Skills, they create calm. Safety creates calm. And you deserve that.

You deserve to feel steady inside yourself. You deserve to stop carrying that guilt as your identity. You deserve tools that work when life is loud.

Now here's the real example of growing up without safety. And you are learning that safety while raising somebody else. This is how that looks like.

You are in the kitchen. You already had a big day. Your child is upset. They're crying. They're so loud they're pulling at you. They're grabbing your hand, they're grabbing your shoulder. They're grabbing whatever they can actually put their hands on. They need you right now.

Now, logically, you know that they're just having a normal kid moment, but inside your beautiful body, it doesn't feel normal.

Your chest tightens, your jaw clenches, your patience is disappearing, and suddenly you feel flooded. Like you are just about to explode or shut down.

That reaction often isn't about your child. It's your nervous system remembering what it was like when you were little and overwhelmed, and there was no one steady there for you. And I know for some, this might be a little bit raw.

Now, if you grew up with emotional neglect, if you grew up with criticism, if you grew up with fears, your body learned that big emotions are dangerous.

Or you maybe learned that needs aren't safe. Or maybe you learned that no one is coming to help you.

So now, as a parent, you are doing something unbelievably big. You're trying to be the calm, safe adult for your child, while your own system never learned what calm and safety actually felt like.

While you're also expected to function, expected to work, expected to manage life and keep it all together.

And my beautiful mums, that's why this is a massive assignment for all of us.

And if on top of this, you are as I like to say, independent mom as I was for almost ten years, which in other words, many people say single mom, this can be extremely challenging.

And I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, I hear you, I feel you. I've been there and I doubt it's a massive assignment.

And now when we think about this real example of growing up without safety feels like and looks like. On top of that, what do we do? We somehow bring so much guilt and shame to us.

And guess what? Shame makes everything worse. Shame says to us, to you: “you're a bad mom, you are such a bad mom.”

But safety says, “you are triggered”, and that makes sense.

So, if you ever said to yourself, “you're a bad mom”, remember the shame spoke to you and the shame is your protective system.

But safety says, “you are triggered,” and that makes sense. And from now and on, let's slow down a little bit and choose the next right step.

A practical, massive assignment might be you raise your voice, then you come back and repair. “I got overwhelmed, that wasn't your fault. I'm sorry. I'm learning.”

And this is teaching you safety. Even if you didn't receive it.

And this is not about not getting everything's wrong. It's that you and I...we are learning how to return to calm, how to return to connection, and how to build a home where emotions are allowed and love doesn't disappear when things get hard.

So, I hope that this little expression of mine, that this little something that I have adapted in my life, that's something that I used in my life, can also serve you.

Yes, my child is over eighteen. My step kids are over eighteen. That's all great, but this framework of Feet, Breath, and Sentence are always used in my life.

Now, if you're listening and thinking, I need support, I want step by step pathway. I'm ready to stop repeating these patterns.

I want you to know that you don't have to do this on your own.

My programme Release and Rise is opening in March. It's a self-paced pathway designed to help you release the emotional weight you've been carrying.

Join the Release and Rise priority list. The link is in the show notes.

So, before you go, before I go...I want you to take one deep breath. And I want you to ask your beautiful, beautiful self, all of you beautiful moms and dads, if you are listening, please ask yourself this:

What is the one moment this week where I can choose a calmer response by one percent? And if I don't, how will I repair with love?

That's the work. My beautiful mums and dads. Not perfection. It's a connection.

So, thank you for being here with me. Thank you for being part of this journey. I deeply appreciate your support. Without you, I wouldn't be doing this.

And if no one told you today: You are great mom. You are great dad. Keep doing your amazing job.

And remember safety says you are only triggered. It's nothing wrong with you. You're a great parent.

I'll see you in the next episode.

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